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Crossroads

{February 21, 2017}

Infertility set aside, life is full of crossroads.  Intersections where life events present you with mixed emotions, multiple options and pathways that diverge unexpectedly. Some of these intersections are more memorable, more joyous, and even more heartbreaking than others. If you’re reading this post, at some point you took a sharp left at the intersection of “Infertility and Gets Pregnant Whenever She Wants”.

How’d you get here? I don’t know …  It’s different for a lot of us. Was it your fault?  No … Did you choose to be here?  No. None of us did … Will you find your way?  Absolutely!

Just like life’s many intersections, infertility has its own set of twists and turns. Stop signs and traffic detours. It’s full of waiting. It’s full mechanical breakdowns. It’s the longer, lonelier road. It’s the road less traveled. But the view on the other side is worth it.

Recently my husband Mike and I had the consultation for our third IVF cycle with Fertility Specialists of Texas (FST). We’ve traveled this road for the last 6 years. It’s been paved with failed treatments and 2 successful IVF cycles. And, even though I know this road well, it still at times is uncomfortable. Here we are sitting in an office lobby I know like the back of my hand. A lobby where I’ve waited for countless blood draws and ultrasounds. The people waiting along with me today have different faces, but I know them. We’re here fighting the good fight. And, in the midst of all this familiarity — even a degree of comfort — it feels like the first time.

As we sit here, I realize we’re here again — at the crossroads of hope and uncertainty. It’s an intersection I know well, but is still hard and uncomfortable. And, in some ways, the familiarity makes it harder. I wonder all over again, how’d I get here? Okay, I remember — 6 years of failing to conceive without help.

Why do I come back again? Because there’s still an empty seat at my table. Although my arms aren’t empty right now, there’s a voice that’s missing. A little high-pitched giggle and trail of messes that I know belongs here. And, I know that my best chance of finding that is by taking this road.  By choosing hope in the face of uncertainty.

Through this door lies hope. Hope — because I know the best doctors, nurses and embryologists are here to take care of me and my little embryos. Herein are the experts that can make up for what my body hasn’t been able to do on its own all these years. But, in the midst of all of this hope I can’t help but feel some uncertainty. Does anyone ever have a third IVF cycle work? I’m 2 years older now; I’m getting closer to 35. Can my body go through this again? Do I deserve for it to work again? What if I don’t respond to medications like I did last time? Can I go through the 2-week-wait again?  How am I going to deal?  How much am I going to be willing to share?

But yet, we forge ahead. We have to. Although there are no guarantees, it’s our best chance. Maybe I don’t deserve a third successful IVF cycle, but nobody deserves infertility either. There’s no way to dole out any portions of deservings (is this a word?) in any of this. And, when all is said and done, I’d rather go down trying than not having done everything I can. So, as I sit here mindlessly thumbing through a magazine while my husband plays on his phone waiting for our name to be called back, I again choose hope. I choose the chance of success (and pretty good chances at thatJ) over the uncertainty of not knowing what the pregnancy test will read in 2 months.  I choose the harder, maybe even higher road because I know the end is so sweet.

So, wherever you are, veer towards hope. No, don’t just veer towards it. Go full steam ahead. The path may be lined with discomfort, maybe even set-backs … But, you’ll be glad you took it. And my friend, you’re not alone. I’m here with you. FST is here with you.

#Iam1in8
#FSTivfmom
#FertilitySpecialistsofTexas

brie-signature-copy

Hi! I’m a proud IVF mom of two amazing boys, thanks to the expert care at Fertility Specialists of Texas. I know, first hand, how lonely infertility can be, which is why I write personal entries for the FST blog  — it’s my way of helping break through the isolation. To let you know you’re not alone. And, neither am I. If you ever want to chat with someone who’s had empty arms, who knows the heartbreak of this journey, I’m here. And, I’d love to connect: fstivfmom@gmail.com.

Brie Dance

FST Patient & Guest Blogger